[Long blonde jokes] |
Two blondes were locked out of their car, so they decided to break into it using a hair clip. There was only one hair clip, so the blondes took it in turns to try and undo the lock. One blonde stopped to take a break, the other said "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and we have left the hatch down."
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There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
The brunette looked to the opposite shore line and estimated about 20 miles, so she announced she was going to try and swim across. So she swam for 5 miles and started to get tired, by 10 miles shes was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The red head said to herself "I wonder if she made it? Oh well, it's better to die trying than to die without." So she started to swim across. By 10 miles she was tired. By 15 she had drowned.
So the blonde was left on the island on her own. She thought it was worth trying, so she started swimming. She made 5 miles, 10 miles, 15 miles. It was 19 miles when she decided she was too tired, so she swam back.
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Two blondes were walking through a wood when they came across some tracks. The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks."
The other blonde said "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued. In fact, they were still arguing when the train hit them.
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A young blonde was distraught because she thought her husband was having an affair. So she went to the gun shop and brought a hand gun.
When she got home, she saw her husband with a redhead in bed. She held the gun up to her head. The husband was begging her not to shoot herself. The blonde replied "Don't worry, you're next."
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A gorgeous blonde was sick of men hitting on her. They thought she was beautiful and blonde, so she was easy. So she decides to go home and smarten her self up
She promises to herself that she will learn all the capitals of all 50 states in America. She spends week after week learning everyone. Eventually, 3 months later she decides she is ready to go back into the bar.
Within a few seconds of her sitting down, a young man comes up and starts chatting her up. Eventually he says "you wanna go back to my place?"
The blonde turned around and said "You know, I'm smart as well as beautiful." The man said "Yeah, I believe you, lets go."
The blonde argued "I am clever, you ask me the capital of any state of America, go on."
By now the man was tired of her, so he said "New Mexico," just to get her off his tail.
The blonde proudly said "New Mexico has two capitals : N and M."
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A blonde was looking over her car, in the parking lot, examining a dent made by a stray shopping cart.
While she was peering at the indentation, a guy walked up. "What's the problem?" he asked. "This dent in my car is going to cost me money to fix, and I don't have money to spend like that."
"Hey, I have a cheap solution," the man said. "Why don't you blow up the tailpipe of the car, and the dent will pop out by itself. You won't need to spend any money that way!" The guy left, grinning to himself.
Without hesitation, the blonde got down at the rear of her car and enthusiastically began to blow as hard as she could up the tailpipe of her car. Meanwhile a second blonde, who had just bought a new mirror at the store, came over to ask what she was doing.
"Duuur! I'm blowing up the tailpipe of my car, to pop out that dent in the door!"
The second blonde replied "Duuur, everyone knows that won't work with your windows down."
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There are three blondes stuck on an island. They find a magic lamp, so they rub it and out pops a genie.
The Genie says "I can grant you each one wish."
The first blonde comes up and says "I want a way to get off the island."
So the Genie says "Well, swim." So the first blonde swam off, but got killed by a shark just off the coast of the island.
The second blonde says "I want an easier way to get off the island."
The Genie says "Make a boat and sail off the island." So the blonde makes a boat, but she is drowned when a freak storm breaks her boat in half.
So the third and final blonde came up and said "I want a way off the island, but I want to be sure that I will survive."
So she turned into a man and walked across the bridge.
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There were three blondes who wanted to be police women, they had made an appointment with the cheif.
For the test, the blondes were asked how they would recognize the person in the profile shot in the street.
The first blonde came up and said "He only has one eye." The cheif says "It's a profile shot from the side, you'll never be a copper."
The second blonde came up and said "He only has one ear." The cheif replys "God, what's wrong with you people, it's a profile shot from the side, you'll never be a copper."
The last blonde came up and looked at the picture for a bit and then said "He's wearing contact lenses." The cheif was stunned, he took the picture and looked at it, but couldn't tell if he had or not, so he went and checked with the person he took the picture of, sure enough, he was wearing contact lenses.
"How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses?" Asked the cheif. The blonde replied "Easy, he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear."
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A blonde put a 50 pence piece into a vending machine, and out popped the can. She got the can and put it in her pocket. She repeated this process until she had filled all her pockets, then she kept on going.
Eventually the security guard came up and said "Excuse me, but what exactly are you doing?"
The blonde replied "Duuur, I'm winning."
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Two blondes decided that they would try fishing. So they went to the lake, and fished all day. They didn't catch one fish.
At the end of the day, they walked past two men with bucket fulls of fish. The blondes asked "How did you get that many fish?"
The men replied "Well, hang one person over a bridge then they can pick the fish out as they swim past."
So the next day they tried this. After one hour the blonde on top of the bridge shouted "HAVE YOU CAUGHT ANYTHING YET?"
The blonde replied "No." They did this for three hours. Then the blonde hanging shouted "PULL ME UP, QUICK!"
Once she was on top of the bridge the other blonde said "Well? What did you catch?"
The blonde replied "Oh, I didn't catch anything, but there was a train coming!"
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A blonde walked into B&Q, looking for a sink. She found one she liked and took it to the counter.
The man behind the counter said "Do you want a plug with that, ma'am?"
The blonde said "Ooo, about time they went electric."
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A blonde was driving and she cut up a big truck driver. So the driver got out and flagged down the blonde.
He drew a small circle on the ground and told the blonde to stand there. So she did. Then the driver said "You are not allowed out of this circle.
Then he said "As you cut me up, I'll do this." He turned around and smashed all the windows in the blondes car. He turned around again to find the blonde laughing.
"What you laughing at?" he shouted. "You laughing at me? I'll do this." So he went and pulled all the doors off the car.
He turned back and the blonde was still laughing. So he covered the car in petrol and lit it.
He turned back and the blonde was still laughing. "What the hell are you laughing at? I just blew up your car and you are laughing?"
The blonde replied "Every time you turned your back on me, I stepped out of the circle."
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Once upon a time a blonde decided to go ice fishing. She grabbed all her equipment and put on her fishing outfit.
She walked out onto the icy surface and found a good spot. She took a knife and made a large circle in the ice with it.
"NO! Not there. You will find no fish." A booming voice drifted across the ice. So the blonde moved a few feet to the right.
"NO! Not there. You will find no fish." The booming voice called again. So the blonde moved a few feet back.
"NO! I told you, you will find no fish there." The blonde replied "Are you God?"
The voice replied "No, I'm the manager of the ice ring."
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A brunette, a redhead and a blonde had just robbed a bank and they were trying to escape from the cops. They ran down an alley way and found some potato bags, so they dived inside them.
Puzzled, the cops looked at the bags suspicously. One cop kicked the brunettes bag, she meowed, and the cop thought nothing of it.
He then kicked the redheads bag, she made a clanking noise with her shoes. The cop thought it was rubbish.
Then the cop kicked the blondes bag. The blonde called out "potatoes".
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One day a redhead, a brunette and a blonde were driving through the desert when all of a sudden their car broke down.
They decided they would walk to civilization.
The redhead said "I'm going to take water, so if i get thirsty, I can drink."
The brunette said "I'm going to take food, so if I get hungry, I can eat."
The blonde says "I'm going to take the car door, so if I get hot, I can wind the window down."
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A blonde went swimming, she swam deeper and deeper until she drowned.
Her husband came home and found her dead in the bath tub.
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A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were standing in a line, infront of a firing squad.
The commander said "READY, AIM" and the brunette shouts "TORNADO." The firing squad turned around and looked for the tornado, while the brunette ran away.
Then the commander said "READY, AIM" again, and the redhead shouted "HURRICANE." She ran away while everyone was looking for a hurricane.
Then the commander once again called "READY, AIM"and the blonde called out "FIRE."
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